…types of shit…

A New Land Is Born Shit: You shit so much that when you look into the bowl, you can’t see any water at all. Columbus couldn’t have been prouder.

Aftershock Shit: This shit has an odour so powerful that anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.

Alcatraz Shit: These huge multiple pieces of shit tear your rectum, causing you to bleed and making you feel like you were repeatedly gang-raped by sex starved prisoners.

Ambush Shit: That’s when you’re in public and you think you have to fart, but you get a sneak attack squirt instead.

Archer Shit: Behaves perfectly until it hits the water line, at which point it shoots a single drop of ice-cold fluid right up your still-open butthole. A chilling experience.

A-Bomb Shit: This one shoots straight down at close to the speed of sound, resulting in a mushroom cloud of water that soaks your cheeks, the backs of your thighs, and (if you’re unlucky) your trousers.

Beer Drunk And Meat Pie Shit: This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shits don’t smell too bad, but this one is BAD!!. Usually this happens at someone else’s house and there is someone standing outside the door waiting to use the bathroom.

Bombshell Shit: A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (i.e. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.

Bungee Shit: The kind of shit that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.

Butt burner Shit: That painful, acidic shit that makes you feel like you wiped your butthole with sandpaper.

Cannon Shit: This shit is halfway out then is shot out of your butt like a cannonball by a loud fart. This usually happens when someone is waiting outside the door.

Cement Block Shit: You wish that you’d gotten a spinal block before you shitted.

Chinese Shit: You shit once and then, an hour later, you have to shit again.

Clean Shit: The kind where you shit it out, see it in the bowl, but there’s nothing on the toilet paper.

Cliff-hanger Shit: Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off, because if you wipe now it’s going to smear all over the place.

Cork Shit: That’s the kind where you’re in the public toilet, and there are two people waiting for your stall. You shit and flush two times, but several golf ball-sized poops are still floating on the water.

Corn Shit: Self Explanatory!

Courtesy Flush Shit: When you’re in a public lavatory and the stench being emitted from your ass is worse than open sewers plus fish stand, and you are simply overcome by your philanthropic urges (or embarrassed as hell).

Cowboy Shit: You’ve got to shit so bad that you proceed to buck and holler until finally the shit’s been tamed.

Curly-whirly Shit: A number of factors, including the turd consistency and general condition of your rosette, may contribute to this phenomenon. One way or another, the turd contrives to curl upon exit. The first thing you know about it is when something taps you gently on one buttock.

Dirty Bowl Shit: The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche, but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

Energizer (or Duracell) Shit: “Still Going!”

False Alarm Shit: When out of the blue, you have to shit so bad you think you’ll blow a hole in your pants, but as soon as you drop your drawers, the sensation goes away. Likes to repeat itself as soon as you’ve left the bathroom and gone back outside.

Feminist Shit: Yells at you for leaving the seat up.

Floating Shit: Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushings.

Frightened Turtle Shit: The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in.

Ghost Shit: The kind where you feel the shit come out, but there’s nothing in the bowl.

Girlie Shit: The people that think their shit doesn’t stink.

Gooey Shit: This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe 12 times and you still don’t come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underpants so you don’t stain them. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

Groaner Shit: A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

Hitchhiker Shit: This one makes you feel like you have to shit before you need to go somewhere, but you can’t really, but as soon as you’re halfway to your destination, it demands to be dropped immediately.

Holy Shit: Makes you pray to God for death or deliverance.

Honeymoon’s Over Shit: This is any shit created in the presence of another person.

I Think I’m A Bunny Shit: When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

I Think I’m Giving Birth Through My Asshole Shit: Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.

I Wish I Could Shit, Shit: It’s the kind where you want to shit real badly, but all you do is sit, cramp, and fart a few times.

I’m Going To Chew My Food Better Shit: When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your poop chute on the way out in the morning.

Inside-out Shit: You’re taking care of business in a big way, doing numbers one and two at the same time. All of a sudden, a powerful sneeze overtakes you. You spend 5 minutes wiping your nose and getting your colon and urethra back into place.

Jack the Ripper Shit: The kind of shit that yanks out your butt hair as it pushes its way out.

Jack-in-the-box Shit: You flush it. It disappears. Suddenly it pops back out again.

King Kong Shit: This one is so big that you know it won’t go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else’s house.

Lincoln Log Shit: The kind of poop that is so huge, you’re afraid to flush without breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

Liquid Shit: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your ass and splatters all over the toilet, and at the same time chronically burns your tender poop chute.

Lost Shit: That’s when there’s a shit in the urinal.

Magnet Shit: Sticks to the bowl below water level and can’t be flushed unless it is removed from bowl wall with a coat hanger.

Mexican Food Shit: It smells so bad the room is condemned.

Mister Happy Shit: This shit is quite content to stay where it is, requiring no effort on your part and giving you a big smile all day. If you see a colleague smiling for no readily apparent reason, you can bet that he or she is sitting on a Mr. Happy and looking forward to 5.00pm.

Mood Enhancer Shit: This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.

Mystery Shit: I don’t remember eating that!

Never Ending Shit: It’s the shit that keeps running out of your butt like pee, and just when you start wiping your butt your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out. This always happens after eating at fast-foods.

Paralyzing Shit: When you’re sitting shitting so long your legs fall asleep.

Party Shit: The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

Pebbles-From-Heaven Shit: An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you cannot shit.

Peek-A-Boo Shit: Now you see it, now you don’t! This poop is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.

Phantom Shit: This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.

Pool Shit: Usually performed by younger children. It’s too much fun in the pool so why get out? Makes a great floating toy afterwards!

Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Shit: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you almost have a stroke. This is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn’t want to come out until you’re all sweaty, trembling, and purple from straining so hard.

Porridge Shit: The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: 1) Flush and keep going. 2) Risk it piling up to your crack while you sit there helpless.

Premeditated Shit: Laxative induced. Doesn’t count.

Ranger Shit: A poop which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.

Right Now Shit: You better be within 30 seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber getting there. Usually, it has its head out before you get your pants down.

Ring of Fire Shit: The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your asshole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.

Ritual Shit: This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.

Second Wave Shit: It happens when you’re done shitting, and you have pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize you have to shit some more.

Snake Charmer Shit: A long skinny poop which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position – usually harmless.

Spinal Tap Shit: That’s where it hurts so bad coming out, you’d swear it was leaving you sideways.

Splatter Shit: This shit usually occurs after eating something that doesn’t agree with your stomach. The morning after, you feel a tremendous pressure build up and have to get to the toilet REAL quick where everything is over within 2 seconds and you have decorated the toilet along with the cheeks of your backside.

Teflon Coated Shit: Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don’t even feel it. No trace of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the toilet to be sure you did it.

Van Gogh Shit: That’s where after you shit, you are shocked to see all the different colours in your poop, and try to figure out what you ate.

Weight Watchers Shit: You shit so much that you lose several kilograms.

Wet Cheeks Shit (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out of your rectum so fast, your ass cheeks get splashed with water.

Wet Shit: The kind where you wipe your ass 50 times and it still feels un-wiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don’t ruin them with skid marks.

Windy City Shit: When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a shit.

Wipers Nightmare Shit: That’s the kind that breaks off too soon, so half falls in to the bowl and half stays hanging.

 

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