A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
What orators lack in depth they make up in length.
The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.
When you are in shit up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
It is kind of fun to do the impossible.
Tragedy: A busload of lawyers driving off a cliff with three empty seats.
Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
When one burns one’s bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
The decision does not have to be logical; it was unanimous.
A harp is a nude piano.
The only tools some people are competent to use are a pen and a checkbook.
Some make things happen; some watch what happens; some wonder what happened.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
Fidelity: A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
Adult: A person that has stopped growing at both ends but not in the middle.
Anyone who makes an absolute statement is a fool.
Don’t say yes until I finish talking.
Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If you don’t care where you are, then you aren’t lost.
Measure with a micrometer; mark with chalk; cut with an axe.
Death has been proven to be 99% fatal to laboratory rats.
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
To generalize is to be an idiot.
No problem is so large it can’t be fit in somewhere.
There is at least one fool in every married couple.
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
For every knee, there is a jerk.
Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
Advanced design: Upper management doesn’t understand it.
Conscious is being aware of something; conscience is wishing you weren’t.
Mankind has never reconciled itself to the ten commandments.
How long is a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.
Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth.
Mathematicians take it to the limit.
If the shoe fits, buy the other one too.
How many weeks are there in a light year?
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines on them and makes them perspire.
Everything you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
Not all men who drink are poets. Some of us drink because we are not poets.
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you have it made.
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
The meek shall inherit the Earth after we are done with it.