You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Never have any children, only grandchildren.
When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
History does not repeat itself; historians merely repeat each other.
Paranoia: A healthy understanding of the nature of the universe.
You aren’t a real engineer until you make one $50,000 mistake.
Death has been proven to be 99% fatal to laboratory rats.
Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.
Reality is for people who lack imagination.
It was such a beautiful day I decided to stay in bed.
She/he has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
If you look like your passport photo, it’s time to go home.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
There can’t be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
People have one thing in common: They are all different.
Life is like a fountain… I will tell you how when I figure it out.
Atheists are beyond belief.
Don’t be fooled by her twinkling eyes; it’s the sun shining between her ears.
Everything is actually everything else, just recycled.
Give me chastity and continence, but not just now.
The more things change, the more they stay insane.
New: Different color from previous model.
You fill a much-needed gap.
If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what was yesterday?
Logic is a means of CONFIDENTLY being wrong.
Satisfaction guaranteed, or twice your load back — sign on septic tank truck
Technique: A trick that works.
Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.
Babies can’t walk because their legs aren’t long enough to reach the ground.
The next thing I say will be true. The last thing I said was false.
Some is good, more is better, too much is just right.
No man would listen to you talk if he didn’t know it was his turn next.
Authority: A person who can tell you more than you really care to know.
Yield to temptation; it might not pass your way again.
The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.
Who cares about procreation, as long as it tickles?
How much sin can you get away with and still go to heaven?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.
If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.
Atheists are people with no invisible means of support.
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. (Anything in Latin sounds profound.)
There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
It’s a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
Professor: One who talks in someone else’s sleep.
If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
This is a crude version of a more advanced joke that has never been written.
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
Bachelor: A selfish guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
How do they get all those little metal bits on a zipper to line up so well?
One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.
Appearances are not everything; it just looks like they are.
I think sex is better than logic, but I can’t prove it.
He who is content with his lot probably has a lot.