Stupidity isn’t punishable by death. If it was, there would be a hell of a population drop.
Earth is a great funhouse without the fun.
If you are asked to join a parade, don’t march behind the elephants.
Monotony: The practice of having only one spouse at a time.
A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made people think.
This will be a memorable month — no matter how hard you try to forget it.
There is no room in the drug world for amateurs.
Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t there more happy people?
Drugs are the scenic route to nowhere.
Money DOES talk – it says goodbye.
Genius: A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with “bright”.
Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you that day.
You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
A philosopher is a person who doesn’t have a job but at least understands why.
God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
Does the name “Pavlov” ring a bell?
One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.
How long should a man’s legs be? Long enough to reach the ground.
Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy and wealthy and dead.
But enough about me. Let’s talk about you. What do you think of me?
A penny saved has not been spent.
I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.
You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
Do married people live longer, or does it just seem that way?
All generalizations are useless, including this one.
God don’t make mistakes. That’s how He got to be God.
Your chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to… uh…
Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.
The secret of life is to look good at a distance.
Teamwork is essential; it allows you to blame someone else.
A Renaissance man diffuses to refine himself.
Football, like religion, brings out the best in people.
I am a Hollywood writer, so I put on a sports jacket and take off my brain.
Death is the greatest kick of all. That’s why they save it for last.
It is not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
It is better to be on the ground wishing you were flying, than vice versa.
In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles.
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
There is exactly one true categorical statement.
No prizes for predicting rain. Prizes only awarded for building arks.
Quinine is the bark of a tree; canine is the bark of a dog.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
Yo-yo: Something occasionally up but normally down (see also “computer”).
Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
Institute: An archaic school where football is not taught.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Our parents were never our age.
A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
In this world, truth can wait; she is used to it.
Love: The only game that is not called off on account of darkness.
The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography.
Archeology is the only profession where your future lies in ruins.