Cheap: Much less expensive than ones selling for up to twice as much.
Elbonics: Two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
This may not be the best of all worlds, but it is certainly the most expensive.
To err is human. To blame someone else for your errors is even more human.
Congress is not the sole suppository of wisdom.
Who was that masked man?
Know thyself– but don’t tell anyone.
Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
Teenagers are two year olds with hormones and wheels.
Job placement: Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
Only two groups of people fall for flattery: Men and women.
Youth is too good to be wasted on the young.
Driving in the snow is a spectator sport.
Death: To stop sinning suddenly.
Statisticians do it with 95 percent confidence.
All trails have more uphill sections than they have downhill sections.
If you liked Earth, you will love Heaven.
If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.
My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot
Furbling: Walking a maze of ropes even when you are the only person in line.
If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose thy neighborhood.
Better alone than in bad company.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must; I do what I am paid to do.
It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
The shortest distance between two points is through hell.
There is exactly one true categorical statement.
Everything is always done for the wrong reasons.
Vital papers demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving.
There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad.
Courage: Two cannibals having oral sex.
Don’t use no double negatives, not never.
I may not be the world’s greatest lover, but number seven’s not bad.
This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.