…welcome to Australia…

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor.


Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never
seen it rain on TV,  how do the plants grow? (UK)

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit
around watching  them die.


Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street?

A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.


Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow
the railroad  tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of


Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in
Australia? (Sweden)

A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.


Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia?
Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns,
Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?


Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing
in Australia? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south
of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the
Pacific which does not… oh forget it. Sure, the
hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross.
Come naked.


Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us
when you get here  and we’ll send the rest of the


Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.


Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-ma-ny, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.


Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?


Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year  round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.


Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who
can dispense  rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU
come from. All  Australian snakes are perfectly
harmless, can be safely handled and make  good pets.


Q: I have a question about a famous animal in
Australia, but I forget  its name. It’s a kind of bear
and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because
they drop out of  Gum trees and eat the brains of
anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off
by spraying yourself with human urine before you go
out  walking.


Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)

A: No, WE don’t stink.


Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain
of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in
Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.


Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the
female population is smaller than the male population?

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.


Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.


Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to
contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings
Cross. Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the


Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.



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